Not long ago I was sitting on the crapper reading up on the newest answers on Quora. I’ve told the website’s algorithm that I’m into self help and health, something I need to change immediately. Instead of running out there and grabbing life by its ball-sack, these stereotypical, cheesy four-hour-power answers make me want to run in front of an oncoming truck while vomiting on myself.
It’s gotten out of hand. I saw a post from a man in India preaching the gospel, with the tagline “I am living the life!” Self-help is has become a globalized business.
Self-help actually does tend to help, but part of its inner-workings involves you, the consumer, to trust in the words of you’re new best friend, the self-help coach. The method: The Coach shows you how great his/her life is and how you can do the same if you buy this book cause it’s got all the secrets to success.
It’s a lot like a virus, because former self-help students have started peddling the same messages you’ve probably already learned from a Tony Robbins type. It’s like a cult, a plague. A business of telling people to go out there and achieve their dreams has given rise to people starting businesses for telling people to go there and achieve their dreams. I used to love this stuff, a part of me still does. I owe a lot of my current standing to life-coaches affirming my positive beliefs in myself. But once you start seeing Asia peddling the same stuff, it may be time to look for new sources of inspiration.
Those Crossfit posters you see on your Facebook wall always warm the cockles, and maybe gets you to at least consider going to the gym, but for the love of fuck enough already. This stuff is easier to consume than chocolate, and I love chocolate – it’s incredible, I could eat it until I died from overconsumption, but I can always go for some tan asshole in a white shirt telling me everything will be okay, to quit my job and go out there and be somebody! If self-help and inspirational videos were chocolate I’d be on Death’s door with a bad case of Type-3 Diabetes. I can’t get enough.
I’m a hair away from donning my own loose button-up, crisp white shirt, getting a tan and whitening my teeth, and telling people how to live their lives, because truth be told, being a life-coach looks fucking awesome. I’m obsessed with Tim Ferriss’s lifestyle design, Chris Sacca’s methodology on living with the philosophy “Fuck yeah!”, and just living life on my own terms.
I do not live my life on my own terms. I do free work for other people for projects I did not say “Fuck yeah” to, I have a full-time job where the majority of stuff I produce I would not include on my CV, I’m running out of close friends and my most recent connections have proven to be crazy and untrustworthy. I have a million different hobbies I want to pursue, things I want to make, and I’m forced to cram these things in between the thin crevices of my daily schedule. I suppose I’m like everyone else. Maybe I need to quit everything, reset and figure out my reason to be on this planet.
I’m going to watch some more inspirational videos. But not from a coach in Mumbai – I want the real stuff.